This is probably something that happens later in life, at least for me.
Knowing that I identify as a Christian, and knowing that gentleness, kindness and anger are hard to reconcile, being angry, and behaving/ speaking with anger is a strong way of not looking like a Christian. It hurts others. It hurts and humiliates others.
The effect of that may be that the person I am interacting with, and others in the vicinity will see how un-christian I really am. Not a great witness, not a great example etc. Maybe that person will be repelled from ever considering faith in Jesus.
And all because I allowed myself to express my correctness and authority in a particular situation, maybe tinged with frustration of many other things. “Martha you are concerned about many things”.
I can picture a confident child who has somewhat mastered the ability to juggle 3 balls, showing their father their newly acquired skill. But a father like me, rather than encouraging, adds difficulty to the situation by adding a fourth ball, and then a fifth, so that everything falls apart and the child is now humbled.
Who would do something like that?
Satan does it with Job, and presumably enjoys doing it with us.
But that does not excuse mature Christians like me, from their failure.
And that is hard, hard enough to make a person like me angry. Angry about getting angry.
Reminds me a little of Jonah getting angry about the worm.
The truth and reality is that we,… I,... am a sinner.
Despite my desire to live without sin in my life and be a good witness to the Christian faith, it is impossible for me. But not because I don’t have the capacity to resist. I do (and don’t) have that capacity.
I can juggle 3 balls for a while, but not 5, but if I practiced, I might get to 5, but not 7.etc
I do have the capacity to juggle, for a certain time, with a certain number of balls.
But God wants truth from the inward parts.
Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. Psalm 51:6
It’s not about how well I can juggle, or how I look as a Christian to others. It is about the deep parts of me, my deep motivations and hidden desires. My chronic deep anger at people and at God.
Who can actually see this clearly?
Not even me, only God.
Who can change that part of me?
Only God.
How can God change that part of me?
By becoming me on the cross. By killing me on the cross. By resurrecting me in himself.
I am nothing. I am nothing good. I am nothing good, but Jesus is risen, and I believe and trust that I am in him, and he in me. He has washed me, sanctified me, justified me.
Why?
For God so loved the world that he sent his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life.
