I have to admit, its not that long ago (though it seems like a million years), that I scoffed at the idea of a “ born again Christian”.
I remember using the term in an almost derogatory fashion – thinking that it was pretty much something that was made up by people who wanted to feel above the rest of us, or an excuse for bad behaviour that they were trying to distance themselves from.
This now makes me cringe.
Today it has dawned on me that this is probably how I would now describe myself.
I am certainly a different person to the one I was 5 years ago. This is hard enough for me to understand, let alone people who have not experienced it for themselves. I know that my attitude to many things, and the way that I want to live my life, has drastically changed. I know that my entire mindset, my priorities, the way I need to spend my time, and the way I feel about many things are much different now – and the only explanation for this is that God has come into my heart and changed it.
This has not miraculously changed me into a perfect, or even good person. It has not made me better or above anyone else. It has not stopped me doing/ thinking/ or feeling the wrong things (unfortunately). It has not made me immune to making mistakes, or from feeling sad, angry or upset.
It has however made me acutely aware of wanting to do the right things, and of turning to Jesus when I have not. It has made me consciously try to force thoughts and feelings from my mind and heart, when I know that they are not right. It has made me want to spend time thinking, talking, singing and writing about this amazing love that has been given to me. It means that I can now (for better of for worse) transition through many emotions in a relatively short space of time: for example I can be really ticked with myself or someone else, but then quite calm as soon as I remember that I can just place it in God’s hands – which are much better equipped to deal with anything than my own.
Unfortunately, this whole concept is very difficult for those who have not yet been given the gift of faith.
I know that I am a different person than the one my husband married.
I don’t think I am a worse person, just different.
I guess that it is really hard to understand when someone you have known for so long changes, and they are no longer doing/thinking /saying things that they always have. I guess that this could make you feel angry or upset or confused. I guess it could make you belittle or make jokes of it. I guess it could also make you fairly closed to the idea of really trying to understand, let alone support the change.
Thus... a bit of an impasse. An impasse I am feeling that only Jesus can cross.
I know that this sort of change in a person, the sort which I have been blessed by, must come from Jesus. I pray that the Holy Spirit will fill the hearts of those around me. Selfishly – because this would make my life a lot easier, but also because everyone should be able to experience the wonder of this love and forgiveness.
So I suppose that the “born again” thing is actually not that far from the truth, though it still scares me a little.
I know that this is all in the best of hands, and that it is happening for a reason. Maybe it is escalating towards a point where some resolution has to occur, because God is ready to make His move. Maybe it is Satan trying to make me doubt the path that I have been shown, and turn me back to where I have come from. I hope and pray continually that it is the former, because I really do not want to go back to the place that He found me.