Saturday, April 29, 2017

The Wall

There is a wall, invisible, but impenetrable. I cannot feel the wall. It is not physical.
I cannot cross that wall, but I can see through it.
I can see what life would be like on the other side of the wall.
I can see myself on the other side of this wall.
I can see others like me, on the other side of the wall
I have seen others walk through this same wall,
And others expected me to walk through, even encouraged me to try and keep trying,
But the wall will not allow me through.
I have tried to please the wall.
I thought the wall wanted me to change, so I changed.
I thought the wall needed my time, so I gave it my time.
I thought it needed my money, my talent, my devotion, my study and understanding.
I did all that I thought it needed, but still the wall kept me away from what I dreamt.
I tried reaching out to others on the other side of the wall, to befriend them, hoping they would see my plight and help me get through. But they could not see me or hear me.
Instead, the wall kept me where I was, working in an area of need, fulfilling the needs of others, succeeding in areas I did not wish to succeed in. Areas that were nothing like what I could see on the other side, through this invisible, impenetrable wall.
If only I could stop looking through this wall of misery.
I tried not to believe in the wall.
I tried to believe it was just me.
But I know the wall is there.
I am so certain, that I have almost stopped trying to go through. I even smile inwardly when others think, like I used to, that I belong on the other side of the wall, and think they should encourage me to go through, that it’s not there. But now I am certain. If the wall would  miraculously move, I don’t think I would try to go through it any more.
There must be a reason for this wall.
It must be for my good, for my safety.
And maybe, I never really belonged on the other side, I only thought that I did. Maybe I am not at all like those on the other side. They are truly different to me, they belong on that side, I belong on this side.
There is still a sadness in me about this wall. I hope one day to ask the wall maker why He put this invisible, impenetrable wall in my life. If it had not been invisible, it might have been easier for me.
But maybe on that day, I will be so overwhelmed with joy that I will have long forgotten about the wall.

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