The last sleep before the big day

 What was the resurrection like for Jesus?

Joy is the first word that comes to my mind. Jesus died in, and with, faith. What I mean by this is that Jesus was a man; all he knew, he knew by faith. He understood that he must suffer death and rise again, this was the only way to rescue the ones he loved, his disciples, us.

It was the Fathers will. It was Jesus’ desire. But he had no proof or guarantee of what was going to happen. All he had was faith. (An understanding of the scriptures, a leading of the Spirit, a security in his relationship with his Father.)

He was willing, more than any other, before or since, to step out in faith. To heal, to touch, to call back from death, to speak honestly, even when it was negative.

He did this all in faith. He gave himself up at the garden, in faith knowing this was the Fathers will. I don’t think Jesus had many audible verbal answers to his prayers. Yes, the Father spoke at his Baptism, at his transfiguration, but I suspect that most of his prayers were offered up, like us, in faith, with no audible response, just with a trust that the Father is listening and acting according to his good will.

And so when the time was right Jesus, in faith, went to the cross.

When he rose, his faith was vindicated. It was amazing. He knew that all that he had hoped to achieve, had in fact been achieved. A deep moment of satisfaction.

And his satisfaction was not in himself, but in his Father, who raised him up. I think Jesus was deeply grateful. And very joyful. But not proud or boastful.

He didn’t appear to the Sanhedrin, or to Pilate, or Herod, to rub it in. He appeared to Mary, to his disciples. We are gifted with same faith as Jesus. We have the same assurance of rising again, as Jesus had. In fact we have much greater assurance, because we know that Jesus rose, and that he has promised that he will raise us up too. So death, for the Christian, is just the last sleep before the big day.

Born Again

I have to admit, its not that long ago (though it seems like a million years), that I scoffed at the idea of a “ born again Christian”.

I remember using the term in an almost derogatory fashion – thinking that it was pretty much something that was made up by people who wanted to feel above the rest of us, or an excuse for bad behaviour that they were trying to distance themselves from.

This now makes me cringe.

Today it has dawned on me that this is probably how I would now describe myself.

I am certainly a different person to the one I was 5 years ago. This is hard enough for me to understand, let alone people who have not experienced it for themselves. I know that my attitude to many things, and the way that I want to live my life, has drastically changed. I know that my entire mindset, my priorities, the way I need to spend my time, and the way I feel about many things are much different now – and the only explanation for this is that God has come into my heart and changed it.

This has not miraculously changed me into a perfect, or even good person. It has not made me better or above anyone else. It has not stopped me doing/ thinking/ or feeling the wrong things (unfortunately). It has not made me immune to making mistakes, or from feeling sad, angry or upset.

It has however made me acutely aware of wanting to do the right things, and of turning to Jesus when I have not. It has made me consciously try to force thoughts and feelings from my mind and heart, when I know that they are not right. It has made me want to spend time thinking, talking, singing and writing about this amazing love that has been given to me.  It means that I can now (for better of for worse) transition through many emotions in a relatively short space of time:  for example I can be really ticked with myself or someone else, but then quite calm as soon as I remember that I can just place it in God’s hands – which are much better equipped to deal with anything than my own.

Unfortunately, this whole concept is very difficult for those who have not yet been given the gift of faith.

I know that I am a different person than the one my husband married.

I don’t think I am a worse person, just different.

I guess that it is really hard to understand when someone you have known for so long changes, and they are no longer doing/thinking /saying things that they always have. I guess that this could make you feel angry or upset or confused. I guess it could make you belittle or make jokes of it. I guess it could also make you fairly closed to the idea of really trying to understand, let alone support the change.

Thus... a bit of an impasse.  An impasse I am feeling that only Jesus can cross.

I know that this sort of change in a person, the sort which I have been blessed by, must come from Jesus. I pray that the Holy Spirit will fill the hearts of those around me. Selfishly – because this would make my life a lot easier, but also because everyone should be able to experience the wonder of this love and forgiveness.

So I suppose that the “born again” thing is actually not that far from the truth, though it still scares me a little.

I know that this is all in the best of hands, and that it is happening for a reason. Maybe it is escalating towards a point where some resolution has to occur, because God is ready to make His move.  Maybe it is Satan trying to make me doubt the path that I have been shown, and turn me back to where I have come from.  I hope and pray continually that it is the former, because I really do not want to go back to the place that He found me.

Thank You

Here are the lyrics to my newest worship song. I did struggle a bit to finish the song. The melody was written first. Eventually I was happy with the chorus melody. During Summerschool in Victor Harbour in January I started to write the lyrics. I really wanted to capture the warmth of being together in church, but also to be clear about why we gather together on Sundays. My first draft was OK. I sent it away for critiquing. I had a lot of feedback. The first verse wasn't clear enough. The chorus melody was too complicated. I left it for a few weeks. Then about 2 weeks ago, I was able to approach the song freshly. The changes are important, and I believe the song is now stronger. The Chorus lyrics are quite different. It was easy once I realized I wanted to say thank you.

Hopefully I will have a recorded version in the next 6 months.
Dec 2016. I've added the recorded track below.

Thank You                  

1. Come into God's house of love,

He who calls us here wants us to know

That we are welcome.

This is why we gather here:

Jesus freely gave his life for all,

And we're forgiven.

Pre-chorus

What a joy to be free from sin,

Every life is now hidden with Him,*

We arise giving thanks with all our hearts;

Chorus

Thank you Father, for your Son,

For your all atoning love,

Thank you that you've made us all your own.

Thank you that you've washed us clean,

Every blemish, every stain,

Ready now to stand before your throne.

Thank you.

2.Thank you that we hear your voice,

Word and Spirit teaching us to live

In true communion.

Thank you that we share your meal,

Bread and wine proclaiming all you gave

For our salvation.

Pre-chorus

What a joy to be free from sin,

Every life is now hidden with Him,

We arise giving thanks with all our hearts;

Chorus

Bridge

Thank you for your mercy,

Thank You, thank you for your grace,

Thank you, thank you for your kindness,

Thank you, Thank you.

Chorus

tag

Ready now to worship at your throne.

Ready now to fall before your throne.

Thank you.

*(Colossians 3:3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.)

No Other Place to Run

I think it was Greg who told me many years ago, that the more mature we become as Christians, the quicker we run to Jesus.

Meaning, we don’t sin less, but we do know where to go to seek peace and mercy, and we do so quicker.

I suppose there are some points to clarify, one being that our forgiveness does not depend on the action we take, or it’s speed. The only important action is Jesus' surrender to the cross. Yet we respond to Christ's action by falling on our knees in repentance. Our action is still important for us, it is the fruit of Christ’s action and a gift from him to us.

And we receive peace when we are walking in faith, meaning; believing that Jesus is faithful and does actually forgive our sins.

The fact is, we still sin, and we do feel guilt, and we do need to keep believing and remembering in a fresh way, the wonderful truth of forgiveness.

Anyway, this is all an introduction to a simple song I have written.

It is in the style of a traditional American hymn, and maybe could still be sung today. Lyrically, I guess the song "o sinner man where' ya gonna run to" is also in that vein. 
A recorded version can be heard here.
 

1. There is no other place to run

than to God's open arms of love,

when sin and darkness overcome

there is no other place to run.

No other place where rest is found,

where mercy reigns and peace abounds.

When sin and darkness overcome

there is no other place to run.

No other grace that covers all,

no other comfort when we fall,

there is no other place to go

than to the cross of Jesus.

2. No other name can purify,

no other blood can satisfy,

no other lamb was sacrificed,

no other Saviour; Jesus.

No other love can make me whole
and take the burden from my soul,
or wash me whiter than the snow,
no other Saviour Jesus

No other grace that covers all,

no other comfort when we fall,

no other answers when we call,

no other Saviour; Jesus.

No other grace that covers all,

no other comfort when we fall,

there is no other place to go

than to the cross of Jesus.

3. There is no other place to run

than to God's open arms of love,

when sin and darkness overcome

come to the cross of Jesus.

Letter From A Friend

It has been a couple of years now, since I really started to get to know about the love of Christ. I guess I really started to feel His presence, as is often the case, during a time of intense turmoil in my life. I remember a friend who is a true follower, told me that Christ would never leave me - no matter how bad things got. At the time - this really struck a chord somewhere deep inside my heart. It still does.

During the next few months, I really struggled to keep my head above water, and to maintain the pretence that all was well in my life. I really talked very little to anyone – because that is my nature. I only remember ever discussing my situation with one person – to whom I will always be grateful. People whom I thought were friends, showed their true colours – and some of these relationships have never really recovered, as much as I know I need to forgive.

 I can’t honestly say that some drastic measures didn’t cross my mind. I questioned every aspect of my life, and my worth. I suppose sometimes we need to get to the lowest point to enable us to be saved.

 I guess I had always classed myself as a Christian, but have now learned that being a Christian is more than just something we call ourselves when we are not anything else.

I suppose I always believed that there was a God. What has changed in me is really difficult to explain.

The feeling of God’s presence in me is at times overpowering, and yet at other times – I feel a gaping hole that feels like He has left me for a time. I think knowing His presence, makes the feeling of His absence much more devastating.

My reading of the Bible and of various other material tells me that He does not ,in fact, leave me to my own ( often misguided ) devices – so I still struggle with why I have this feeling from time to time. I have wondered if God gets sick of “beating his head against a brick wall” – and wants me to remember what it feels like without Him. I have wondered if I was just fooling myself by thinking that I could feel Him in the first place. I do still feel like this at times, even though I should know better.

I also know that to struggle and to question faith puts me in some fairly good company. I know I’m not the first, and I’m sure I won’t be the last. I pray often that I can be more filled with the Holy Spirit, and that my doubts be washed away.

Prior to these past few years, I had never really prayed out loud. I still struggle to put my prayers into words that can be spoken. Sometimes thoughts and feelings just get too intense, and at times too painful to come out in a “verbally legible” form. I have always been better at putting things on paper, than into words. I get too emotional. I know that God doesn’t care how it comes out – but i think that this part of me will take more time.

If anyone told me 10 years ago that I would spend a large part of each day in silent conversation with God – I would have said they were delusional. Now – it is a part of me.  Not so much a “formal” prayer, as a discussion which ebbs and flows with the activity and emotion of each day. I now know that He is always listening, and knows my heart – even when what is in there is at direct odds with what should be.

I have learned so much from the people around me. I have seen some people with the most amazing strength, and watched as their faith has carried them through some really testing times. I have come to really know some people who “walk the walk” – and I now know that these are the people that i love spending time with. Christian fellowship is the greatest source of food for the soul. I am amazed to see how Christian people are drawn to other Christian people.

For me, probably the greatest revelation of all, has been learning of the Grace of God. I have read quite a few books on Grace – it has really taken a while to sink in. I think we grow up expecting to have to earn or to do something to deserve what comes our way – good and bad. The idea that God loves us absolutely unconditionally – is a little hard to comprehend. This is especially the case since I certainly feel unworthy and undeserving of this love quite frequently. I wonder why God would love a person who has so many faults, and failings. Every time I have feelings that are other than what they should be, thoughts, desires, actions – the whole plethora of bad....I have to re-convince myself that God still loves me. What greater display of love than to send His son to die for me?? This is still so difficult to comprehend some days.

One quote I remember (though the source eludes me at the moment) that really made me realise what Grace means is

“There is nothing you can do to make God love you more, and there is nothing you can do to make Him love you less”.

I remember crying when I read this.

I was blessed to hear my local minister talk about choices a while ago. It has really stuck in my head.  Over the past who-knows-how-long, I have really struggled with feelings that are not as they should be. I know that feelings can lead us to make bad decisions. What was said in the sermon, was that if you were thinking of heading down a path that would hurt others, and God – then you should choose another path. It was a simple message..... Choose another path.     I know that I can certainly not rely on my feelings alone to lead me to do what is right. I still struggle with this. I pray about it almost every day.

I also see the hand of God at work in so many places that i was blind to not all that long ago. I have decided that there are no co-incidences. God has His hand in every part of our lives. Lately, I have seen God orchestrate some amazing events – small things in the overall scheme, but they really do blow me away every time. Just little things – like running into a person that been on my mind, but I had not seen (and was not likely to see) for a very long time. This was not just a random event – God knew that this was playing on my mind, and I needed to see this person. As I nearly ran into him coming around the corner of a supermarket aisle, I could barely contain my amazement at the intervention of the Lord. Of all places!

One of my great loves, is good Christian music. I don’t know why it took me so long to discover it. I am continually blessed by some really great messages that come through song. I love singing worship, and am sometimes really struck by a line or a verse that makes me really feel Gods power and presence. A line of a song I play frequently, constantly reminds me about the necessity to live the message, and not just sing it.

“if not joined with my life – I sing in vain tonight”

I think that this is really important to remember – and sometimes really difficult to do.

Just a Moment

"It will hurt for just a moment".

I say this often as I position the cannula carefully into the most accessible vein on the back of the left hand. After a brisk flicking of the skin to make the vein stand out, and a wipe with an alcohol swab, my left hand firmly but gently holds the surrendered hand; my thumb on the knuckles, pulling the skin slightly to anchor the vein. With my right hand armed, I carefully pierce the skin a few millimetres away from the intended vein. That’s the part that hurts. Then, over the next half second, carefully guiding the needle forward, I watch the vein wall flick over the needle tip as it enters the vein. In another half second I welcome the “flashback”; that first drop of blood that flows smoothly up the hollow needle and appears in the clear plastic hub, silently confirming my success. Then there is the satisfaction of sliding the outer sheath along the lumen of the vein. That necessary wounding is over in a matter of 3 seconds.

Not long after this, my patient is in theatre, attached by multiple wires and devices to the anaesthetic machine. I watch the glowing green line of the monitor bounce with the electrical beat of the heart, and a second line pulse with the oxygen reading. My ear focuses on that reassuring beep, noting tempo and pitch.

As I inject the Propofol, I explain that, soon, sleep will overtake. I give a final reassurance that I will be vigilant, steering safely through the proceedure.

As we reach completion, the surgeon gives a satisfied nod, and I am able to turn off all the anaesthetic gasses, leaving oxygen alone, allowing recovery to occur.

Once breathing rhythm and reflexes are restored, I help wheel the bed into the recovery area, the patient often stirring as we arrive.

“All done” is what we say in recovery, usually repeating it.

“What, already, that went quick”.

That seems to be the common experience. The passage of time has gone unnoticed. Somehow the anaesthetic has numbed the brain’s sense of chronology. Though hours may have passed, it feels as though in one moment there is sleep, in the next, waking. Or so it seems.

I wonder if this is how it is in death.

In one moment that final breath comes in the presence of loved ones and carers, in the next, resurrection, in the presence of Jesus, and all his gathered flock.

Though a thousand years may have passed, it seems just a moment.

Do we belong?

Just visited a different denomination, and thought I would share my thought processes.
Did I enjoy the service? Yes and no. I loved hearing God's word read out. It never lacks power, no matter who reads it. I enjoyed hearing children participate. I felt a connection with people I already knew, but don't normally worship with. I also felt a separation from these same people, knowing that they would not embrace my faith or understanding, but stick to what they know.

The speaking and preaching did not comfort me. It was an emphasis on the party line of that denomination, also pointing out that the church ought not to be so full only on special occasions. Even the hymns were full of denominational biases, which just made me feel like an outsider.
Was the forgiveness of sins in Jesus proclaimed? Sadly, no.
How did I feel at the end of the service? Like I wanted to get out of there ASAP.

No, I didn't want to join in for morning tea somewhere in the back of this gothic maze. I needed to go as soon as was politely acceptable.
And I am a person of faith. What of someone with no faith???

Lessons?
How do we welcome new people without overwhelming them?
There is a spiritual discernment in being able to meet people at their point of need. It is a gift and leading from God, He will direct us, if that is our heart and prayer. We needn't ambush people, because God himself draws us/others to him in Jesus. Nor should we ignore them. There is a right way. It involves respecting people and not judging them. True love.
May the Holy Spirit release us into loving in a Godly way.